I have a date!!!!

Yes. That's right, an actual date! AND it's with a really great/VERY handsome man. Can you tell I am giddy and smiling from ear to ear? I've been trying not to get my hopes up or let myself like him too much because I'm still guarded, but he has been asking for over a week and he really proved himself Saturday night. He came in to the bar during my shift and really made my night better after a crappy night (my boss is an ass and I stood up to him and got fired for it).

This post is already making me wish I would've written more this past week because now it's coming out as a jumbled mess... Plus, it's so much easier to write when I'm not so hyper.

To be continued...

Can I trust you with my heart

If we're all lonely people in this world looking to love and be loved, then why is it so hard to find someone you can trust with your heart? Is this just a world full of jaded people who really believe it's better to hurt that be hurt? It seems that every time I find someone who I like enough to let into my heart, they either pull away or hurt me. I'm fighting like hell to keep from being jaded and I'm trying to take every blow as an opportunity to grow stronger. But when it comes down to it, I'm standing in a hole clawing at the dirt to climb out and though I can see the blue skies above, sometimes I just get tired and want to give up.

When did guys stop making an effort?

When did it become acceptable for guys to hit on girls with a straight to the point "let's have sex"? The best part is when they respond to your "no" with a long story about how they're looking for a good girl to start a relationship with... REALLY?! How dumb do you think I am? You've not only insulted my integrity but now you've insulted my intelligence. I've never been one to want the princess treatment, but a little bit of effort would be nice. Save the cheap pick-up lines for the street walkers and strippers, they will never work on this girl.

Silence is louder than snoring

As hard as it is to sleep next to someone when you're used to sleeping alone, it's a whole lot harder to sleep alone when they are gone.

Fun weekend. My sister's 21st and I ended up sharing my bed with a good friend. And when I say sharing my bed, I mean just that. It's rare to find someone that can honestly communicate their intentions and openly convey their feelings like me, but he is just that person. Neither of us are really ready for any kind of relationship, as much as we like each other and he is very respectable and mature about not crossing that line. With that said, we cozied right up to that line and enjoyed each other's company and warmth. I can see this developing into a wonderful friendship and I really hope it doesn't get mixed up or lost in the mix of things.

Perhaps 'cause I can't have you...

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever

On the radio this morning

They played our song

And I thought about the good times

And I wondered what went wrong

Miscommunication?

'Cause you had no faith in me?

Lack of inspiration?

Or maybe, maybe it's just me

Maybe it's just me...

There's life that surrounds me, but still I cannot see

I just can't make my heart fall for beauty endlessly

I don't know what I'm feeling

It's not right, it can't be

I try to find someone to blame

But maybe, maybe it's just me

Maybe it's just me...

Maybe you were right to find your way out of my life

You found comfort elsewhere while I held on way too tight

But I find no reason why I can't be satisfied

Perhaps 'cause I can't have you...

On the radio this morning they played our song

Thought about the good times

And I wondered what went wrong

Miscommunication?

'Cause you had no faith in me?

Lack of inspiration?

Or maybe, maybe it's just me...

Maybe you were right to find your way out of my life

You found comfort elsewhere, while I held on way too tight

I find no reason why I can't be satisfied

Perhaps 'cause I can't have you...

Maybe you were right to find your way out of my life

You found comfort elsewhere, while I held on way too tight

But I find no reason why I can't be satisfied

Perhaps 'cause I can't have you... 

-Ingram Hill "Maybe it's Me"

I cannot seem to get his face out of my mind. I'm exhausted tired, but when I sleep, I dream of him. And as much as I was ready to be done with school for the semester, now there is no real distraction... so I'm left here to my own thoughts and this town that is filled with reminders of him.

I wonder if he thinks about me anywhere near as much as he is on my mind. I know he has his distractions, but there have got to be things that remind him of me.... 

Part of me is so thrilled to get out of this town and the constant reminder of him and his choice. But at the same time, I am afraid of letting go and actually moving on. I've done it before and I know moving on is good and that I will very likely find a guy who treats me better and actually wants to be with me. But in this moment and many others like it, I feel left alone here in the pain with the fear that if I move on, I'll be settling. 

You're my Wonderwall...

Backbeat the word was on the street 

That the fire in your heart is out 

I'm sure you've heard it all before 

But you never really had a doubt 

I don't believe that anybody feels 

The way I do about you now