I believe.... I have a new years resolution

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 
— Marilyn Monroe

Starting to think this woman was a genius. She had the world in the palm of her hand and she knew it. She may have perfected the role of a ditsy blonde, but her words are quoted still to this day as wisdom. I think I have a base for my new years resolution. Just gotta work out the details.

I am a jerk.

Who would've thought that online dating would be such a heart-tugging drain on my morals? Yes, I admit it.. I have an online dating profile. And while I highly doubt I'll actually meet anyone that I will decide to actually meet, I find it somewhat fun. So, I was on there tonight, you know, checking my messages and whatnot and I got a message from this new guy. He actually sent me virtual flowers (you can't give them to anyone and everyone), don't get me wrong here, I was more weirded out by the flowers on first contact than flattered. But I read his message anyway and while the picture was clearly a grown man, the message attached to the flowers may as well have be written by a young child. Out of pure curiosity, I clicked to view his profile and discovered more of the same until the end where he revealed that he is deaf.... I am a jerk. So, then I proceed to wonder if I should respond to him and maybe befriend him, until I realized that my guilt was making me feel sorry for him and my response would honestly only be out of pity and that could be way worse than just sucking on my own guilt. In my defense, I am quite honestly sick of seeing perfectly capable people misspell and misuse the English language.

In short: I am a jerk.

Moving forward, looking back

Still hurt, but trying hard to move on. I've started talking to this new guy... well not exactly new, he's been around for awhile and there was almost something there before, but now we're both on the same page. Anyway, I am attracted to him, but I'm not sure if the attraction I feel is based on me actually finding him attractive, or knowing that he finds me attractive and that he is a good guy. It's not so much that I am doubting my attraction to him as it is the fact that, right now, I'm still hurt. Still have my walls up. So, I am taking a step back and questioning everything; wondering if I am attracted to him because he is very much like my father who I could really use some comfort from right now. And the thing is, I see potential with him, so I don't want to ruin this over fear, but I also don't want to hurt him, because it sure seems like he knows what he wants and he's giving me that power right now.

I guess I could really use some closure on the past. Would really like these wondering thoughts of what exactly happened to stop; to just go away. I'd like to be able to just move forward knowing that when I run into the ex again, well, I want to know what to expect. Because right now I really don't. It hasn't happened yet, which is a little strange considering the size of this town. Avoidance, I'm sure is a big part of that.

I guess I feel like this new guy is perfect for helping me to break down and through some of my walls. He already sees something in me that he likes, something deeper than the skin deep stuff. I guess this could be good, considering it puts the ball in my court and makes me in control of what comes next. Maybe part of me is hesitant to move forward, specifically with this guy, because I know that it will mean truly moving forward and leaving the possibility behind. Perhaps that's what I need. But really, it's so hard to move forward when I don't understand what went wrong.

Hello World

This time of year is alway pretty hard on my emotions. A lot of forgotten birthdays and the biggest reminder of all the things I miss about my grandpa. It doesn't make it any easier when you add in finals and heartache.

There is a little girl behind these walls of my heart that I will do all I can to protect. I have never felt more like a full-grown, adult woman, but that little girl still remains in my heart and in my tears. I have been doing all I can to be strong and keep my smile on my face. But when it comes down to it, all I want to do is be alone so that I don't have to be strong, so I don't have to smile. I know I have to deal with these feelings in order to grow; must process them in order to heal. But right now, I have responsibilities to myself and to others that require me to be strong. My room is a mess, my car is a mess, my whole life is a mess right now and yet it must go on. I could use a day off. What I could really use is someone without an ulterior motive, someone who is truly here for me. I wish it was like the movies where I could just walk into the chapel, down the aisle, and towards the glow of candlelight and just feel safe and comforted. I've learned, though, that is not how it really works.

So I have one more final...early tomorrow morning. Then I work. Friday is grandpa's birthday, perhaps I should plan a day in his honor.

"Sometimes I feel cold as steel, broken like I'll never heal..." In the meantime, I'll listen to great songs like "hello world" by Lady Antebellum and feel a little warmer by the fact that I am not alone.