Still hurt, but trying hard to move on. I've started talking to this new guy... well not exactly new, he's been around for awhile and there was almost something there before, but now we're both on the same page. Anyway, I am attracted to him, but I'm not sure if the attraction I feel is based on me actually finding him attractive, or knowing that he finds me attractive and that he is a good guy. It's not so much that I am doubting my attraction to him as it is the fact that, right now, I'm still hurt. Still have my walls up. So, I am taking a step back and questioning everything; wondering if I am attracted to him because he is very much like my father who I could really use some comfort from right now. And the thing is, I see potential with him, so I don't want to ruin this over fear, but I also don't want to hurt him, because it sure seems like he knows what he wants and he's giving me that power right now.
I guess I could really use some closure on the past. Would really like these wondering thoughts of what exactly happened to stop; to just go away. I'd like to be able to just move forward knowing that when I run into the ex again, well, I want to know what to expect. Because right now I really don't. It hasn't happened yet, which is a little strange considering the size of this town. Avoidance, I'm sure is a big part of that.
I guess I feel like this new guy is perfect for helping me to break down and through some of my walls. He already sees something in me that he likes, something deeper than the skin deep stuff. I guess this could be good, considering it puts the ball in my court and makes me in control of what comes next. Maybe part of me is hesitant to move forward, specifically with this guy, because I know that it will mean truly moving forward and leaving the possibility behind. Perhaps that's what I need. But really, it's so hard to move forward when I don't understand what went wrong.
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