This time of year is alway pretty hard on my emotions. A lot of forgotten birthdays and the biggest reminder of all the things I miss about my grandpa. It doesn't make it any easier when you add in finals and heartache.
There is a little girl behind these walls of my heart that I will do all I can to protect. I have never felt more like a full-grown, adult woman, but that little girl still remains in my heart and in my tears. I have been doing all I can to be strong and keep my smile on my face. But when it comes down to it, all I want to do is be alone so that I don't have to be strong, so I don't have to smile. I know I have to deal with these feelings in order to grow; must process them in order to heal. But right now, I have responsibilities to myself and to others that require me to be strong. My room is a mess, my car is a mess, my whole life is a mess right now and yet it must go on. I could use a day off. What I could really use is someone without an ulterior motive, someone who is truly here for me. I wish it was like the movies where I could just walk into the chapel, down the aisle, and towards the glow of candlelight and just feel safe and comforted. I've learned, though, that is not how it really works.
So I have one more final...early tomorrow morning. Then I work. Friday is grandpa's birthday, perhaps I should plan a day in his honor.
"Sometimes I feel cold as steel, broken like I'll never heal..." In the meantime, I'll listen to great songs like "hello world" by Lady Antebellum and feel a little warmer by the fact that I am not alone.
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