This town is too small and my heart is too big....

Haven't been on here in awhile... every time I start to type something out it gets too close to the heart and I cannot go any further. Distraction is a powerful thing, but it doesn't really solve anything. The hardest part in this whole mess of drama is losing two of my closest friends and now knowing that as much as I may want to go back to before this whole mess happened, it never really will. And yet, a part of me wants to let my heart win and be the bigger person and fix this whole thing... but it's my pride that is stopping me, because this is not my damage to fix and if I am the one to swallow my pride, I will always doubt their true sincerity.

I have trust issues and these walls I've put up are helping me during daylight and out in public, but killing my heart at night. Part of me wants to go to him and tell him right to his face how much he hurt me, but I don't know what I would expect his response to be. And if I go to her and tell her how much she hurt me, I think that all I'd get in response is defense. I also don't want to give them the benefit of knowing they hurt me. I don't want to cause any more drama than there already is and I want to be the bigger person in all of this and just let them figure it all out on their own. If they care about me as much as they say, it shouldn't take long.

A good friend came up to me today and asked me if I needed a hug. She said she knew me better than the smile I was hiding behind and that while everyone else may be fooled, a big heart like mine is not insensitive enough to not be hurting by all this. It instantly brought tears to my eyes because I have been spinning in circles amazed at the fact that no one else, not even one other person, has truly listened to me and shown that they know me like that. The even more surprising thing is that she is a fairly new friend and was not there for any of the drama. It gives me hope that I won't have to settle for always being the better friend and that there is at least one person who really listens when I talk.