He came up to me last night and gave me a big hug. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was already missing me. Next thing I know, we're yelling at each other out back of the restaurant and then again in his truck. The yelling wasn't hurtful, the words were in no way harmful, he was telling me how much it hurt him to hear that he was hurting me... I was telling him I wasn't giving up on him, just afraid to get hurt. We were both admitting that we let it end due to misunderstanding the other person and fear of getting hurt. The night ended with a lot of tears, freezing toes, and an exhausted "let's take a few days to let the emotions subside and then figure out what we want". And a kiss.
This is probably the first real fight that we've ever really had. First time that I have stood up to him and yelled to get my point across. First time I felt strongly enough about us to fight for it. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want in life, fight for happiness... he's exhausted and frustrated with how long it's been and the fact that where we are now verses a year ago isn't all that far at all, relationship-wise. He says he realizes how good it could be, realizes how happy we could be together, but doesn't see how we can get through the hurdle of fear that pulls him back every time we get too close.
I've been blessed with the outlook of faith, being able to focus in on the future I see possible with him and squint until the obstacles in my way seem puny and I can trudge full speed ahead. It's the doubts that I occasionally let in when my guard is low that act like shiny objects distracting me from my goal and make me question my sanity. Have you ever just seen so much potential in someone that they fail to see for themselves. I'm not out to save him, although I do believe I can show him the way to happiness. I'm not out to change his world, just want to be someone who makes it a little more fun to be in.
On a side note, tonight is the busiest day of the year at the bar. Every hunter from the area and all the ones from the city with cabins in the area will be out in the woods today (opening day) and they will all be coming out of the woods ready to drink. This is good for my wallet, going to be hard on my body, but at least now there won't be the added drained emotional feeling that I felt yesterday. I believe in him, I believe in us, I believe in me. Cannot imagine who would walk away from what we have and give up on the potential of what we could be.
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