I may hate myself in the morning...

Just did what could be the best or worst thing for me and my future... not sure which.

I've had a horrible headache for the last 2 days and being triggered by hormones and stress, I'm an emotional mess. The only thing I've found that takes the pain away, or at least makes it bearable, is caffeine, which makes me jittery and anxious. So when the pain starts to come back, I am a jittery, anxious, emotional mess with a headache. This got me thinking about the things in my life that are bringing on the stress and since school is not really something I'm willing to give up or slow down on, he came to mind. Or to be more accurate, the stress/anxiety that comes with the lack of commitment and that 7th day fear, well this made me realize that of all the people in my life, he's the one I want to go to, to be held by, he's the one that is likely to be too busy. It made me realize that I am giving so much of myself to him, because I believe in him and that it'll be worth it, and he is not ready to be that person for me... and whether that is a "yet" or not, neither of us knows. Anyhow, this thinking drove me to his house and made me tell him all this while it was still fresh in my mind and while I still had the nerve. We agreed that we should take a step back to just friends before we lose even that, but he also told me that he has feelings for me that scare him and that he is not ready to deal with and that he's not sure when or even if he'll be ready to deal with them.

So we stood there; me knowing that as soon as I walked out that door, things would be different, yet I didn't know how or what to expect. And him, well, either he was being strong for both of us or he was relieved. I have no doubt that he'll think of me and wonder if we made the right choice every time he hears my name or drives past my house. And, honestly, I'm hoping that it'll make him realize that he might lose me if he waits too long to make an effort. I'm doing this for me. And I know full well that I may hate myself in the morning or come next week when I'm horny and not emotional... but I'll know that I did it for me, because I deserve better. For now though, I will enjoy this little bit of relief that I feel having bluntly stated my case and gotten answers to the questions I've been too afraid to ask.