Just an update

End of week 1 of the life of a science major student.... 3 lab sciences and a Pilates class means my life is going to be pretty hectic for the next 16 weeks. Thankfully, Pilates is saving my ass (literally) from becoming insane and droopy. I am loving it so far... busy all the time, which sadly means that if I start to fall behind, I will be super stressed, but it also means that when I run into the ex at the grocery store and he walks in with his date for the night, I can get over it quickly knowing that I have so much more going for me and if he cannot see that, well, there are so many more important things that take priority in my mind right now... like the 120 animals that I have to learn the scientific name, common name, phylum, subphylum, superclass, class and characteristics of all by Tuesday.

Work in 20 minutes, so I need to cut this post short due to the snow that covers my car.

Questions from one guarded heart to another

In the world we live in today, is there really such a thing as monogamy? Technology has opened so many doors and provided us with all these windows for temptation that it is hard to believe that there really is such a thing as true love that will withstand the pressure. Everywhere around me, I see people unhappy in their current relationship and feeling stuck (whether by marriage, not wanting to hurt someone, kids, or paid for plans) and it makes me wonder if there are truly happy couples that are still in love years later... and if there are, where are they? Every time I feel like I've finally met that couple that gives me hope, something rustles the curtain and the charade is revealed. I try and tell myself that all these couples are unhappy because the majority of people fall prey to society's push to get married. With marriage on such a high pedestal, viewed as the next step in the relationship or the right thing to do when a child is conceived, most couples get married for the wrong reasons and usually to the wrong people. So, does this mean that since I have somewhat guarded my heart and held out for "true love", that I will be more likely to actually have found it when and if I do marry? Or am I just postponing the inevitable?

Fuckin' Perfect

Had to share this video. Yes, it made me cry.

The heart wants what the heart wants...

Started talking to the ex again last week. It's amazing how three people can experience the exact same moment together and walk away with 3 totally different takes on what happened. And all this time it was pride that was to blame. My pride that was hurt, his pride that he was "defending", our pride that kept us mad and from talking... I let myself spend the night with him this weekend for my own selfishness and I'm sure that was his reasoning, too. There is just this chemistry between us that makes it so hard to be around each other and not be close. We stayed up talking about everything from politics to my questioning marriage and commitment. When we are spending time together, it's always so easy... so comfortable (aside from the sexual tension) and we both open up in ways that each of us struggle with in any other interaction. I don't know what is next or really even how I will feel if he starts dating someone new, all I know is that I am happy to have my friend back.

Hold that Grenade Against Me... Megan Tonjes

If in some way you haven't heard of Megan Tonjes and her amazing remix of the new Brittney Spears "Hold it Against Me" and "Grenade" by Bruno Mars, here it is. I must say, I've heard both of these songs and didn't really think all that much of them, but Megan Tonjes manages to meld these two mediocre songs into a masterpiece.

Someone like you...

Still finding myself haunted by memories of him. My heart still jumps at the mention of his name and sinks every time it's reminded of where we are now. If I stay here, and I don't plan on moving, I'm either going to have to move on or learn to perfect my best poker face and settle for being his friend. Even after the pain, my heart still wants what it wants and no one else compares. I try and push the thoughts of hope out of my mind because one day we will get past the pain and I don't want to set my heart up for a round trip.

This whole waking up at 2am to the sinking heart feeling is not going to go over so well once classes start back up. Don't know what it is that makes my dreams focus on him pretty much every night at that time, but it's a physical sinking feeling that pulls me out of a deep sleep and keeps me up for hours.

I'm not settling

"There comes a day when we suddenly realize that the control we seek will forever remain just outside our grasp. For some, it's a terrifying discovery … while, for others, it's strangely liberating. If the only person I can control is me, that means I'm off the hook for the other six billion souls making their way in this crazy world." Erica Strange

I've been tied up in this whole pride issue wondering if I can really ever find someone worth trusting with my heart and I think I got a little too caught up on the fear of it all. My focus shouldn't be on all of those around me that are miserable because they are "stuck" in a relationship or marriage that they committed to for the wrong reasons. I should be grateful for the life lessons that I listened to that brought me to where I am today instead of committing to the wrong person years ago after settling... single does not mean lonely, it does not automatically make me unhappy... I am still searching for the one that I actually WANT to spend my life with. No starter marriage for me, I want the real thing; and yes, that means I still believe in the real thing.

I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can feel "stuck" in a relationship, I don't want to be with someone who would settle or let life make them settle.

Discovery of an amazing photographer

I stumbled upon this story and found it pretty amazing. Vivian Maier was a Chicago-area nanny from the 1950s to the 1990s; she died in 2009. Shortly following her death, tens of thousands of negatives were discovered among her possessions. The families who employed her seemingly never knew much about her, but it appears that Ms. Maier spent nearly all of her time off exploring Chicago with a camera. And now, after her death, people are calling her "one of the greatest street photographers of the 20th century."

Hope you enjoy as much as I did.

Love. A Catalyst?

Do you believe it's possible to fall in love and stay in love? I mean real, true I-love-you-not-just-because-I-promised-to... kind of love. As in, long after the honeymoon stage is over, past life dealing you hands from cards so warn they're falling apart, and to the place where you've pretty much seen the best and worst in each other, and still feel like the luckiest man/woman in the world to be sharing your life with your best friend. Does that exist?



Out of the many examples in the media of what love is, the one that really stands out in my mind is a scene from Sex and The City, where Miranda is newly married and her unbearable mother-in-law has just moved in due to some serious health issues; the mother-in-law shits herself and Miranda bathes her. I can understand the amount of love it would take to bathe a spouse in this situation, even a close loved one, but can you imagine the amount of love it would take to sponge bathe the shit off of someone you really can't stand simply because the person you love can't be there to do it? I want to love like that. I want to be loved like that.

One of my favorite movies is kind of a twisted portrayal of this query. "Love me if you dare" is a French film (yes, that means subtitles) about two kids who are best friends and fall in love and test the boundaries of this love. Their love is tested through a lifelong game of truth or dare. I highly recommend it.