Once there was this spider in my bed...

Once there was this
Spider in my bed
I got caught up in his web
Of love and lies
He put his chains around my heart and soul
Never to let go
Oh but I survived

It's a great place to be when you realize that all the hurt someone puts you through is every reason to walk away. This feeling is made so much more wonderful by having someone who truly cares and shows potential walking towards you making you forget you ever had a hard time not looking back. I know it's still early, but this guy has shown so much more compassion and heart than any guy I've ever met. I've never really wanted the princess treatment, and I guess this isn't really that... all I have to do is be me and he is making all the effort. And it's weird, but this week has been emotional for me, but somehow, even a few states over and without me having to say a word, he seems to be making more of an effort to comfort me and make me smile. It feels like I am standing here watching him take down every obstacle between us as soon as I recognize it as such. He is living and working in Georgia (he's from here and we met here) and he is working hard to pay off a piece of land out here and build a house as quick as possible (which could be a good amount of time) but just when I start to wonder if I'm okay with doing the whole long distance only over the phone/online thing he surprises me with a planned date... he's flying out here during my break week from school to take me on a date! How romantic and wonderful is that?! I'm a lucky woman.

As you I've felt the same

Sometimes I hear a song and it brings up feelings that, in that moment, I want to feel... so I put the song on repeat to prolong the moment and prevent the next song from lifting my mood out of that moment. Most of the time these feelings are reflective sadness, that I pushed down at some point and for whatever reason, in that moment I actually want to feel them and work through them.

This was the song today



Days like today feel like floating reminders that one day I will probably look back and think that none of the things at the top of my priority list really mattered in the end and that I could die before any of this hard work pays off. Not the most upbeat thought process, but what I'm feeling none the less.

I have studying in chemistry, biology, and genetics to do along with reading and my room is a disaster area... but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and watch a marathon of Grey's Anatomy. I've managed to make friends with my ex's new girlfriend, who at the moment doesn't know I am his ex... this could be a problem next Saturday when she and I spend a good chunk of the day together with people who will undoubtedly drunkenly mention it. So this has been on my mind all day. I believe if I were in her shoes, I'd want to know and I'd want to have been informed of this by him rather than going through that awkward moment of realization surrounded by people I just met. Oh, and did I mention that our plans involve an adult toy party? Yeah... even I am wondering if I am purposely trying to twist that knife in my heart a little more until the pain becomes numbness.

The process of moving on

Lately I've been getting a lot of messages from guys who are interested in me in one way or another. Some are blunt about wanting only a fun/playful friendship, while others seem a bit more interested in more. There is one guy that I am interested in and would like to get to know better, but it's such a complicated situation. While I do realize that the way things are is probably for the best considering I have so much already going on in my life, I can't help but feel sad that there is no dating going on. No chance of a valentine's surprise. No looking forward to the weekend because I get to see anyone in particular. No hanging out and being goofy/giddy while getting to know each other.

It's been a week since I met the ex's new girl and as of today they are officially together... I'm happy for him, really I am. Happy to see him happy and with a girl who treats him good and doesn't take him for granted. I just can't help but feel a little sad that once again, I'm watching the man I'm in love with move on.

So for now, I'm laying here in my nice comfy bed, with my new sheets and pillows... alone and really feeling alone. I have these big dreams for myself and goals and passions that I want to pursue, it's just hard when I also want so badly to find that person who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

This painting hangs in my room. It's one of the few things that I kept when I moved away from Colorado because it's like looking at a painting of myself from the point of view of someone who really sees me for me. She looks like a dancer, burlesque style, and she is offstage in deep thought. This is the side of her that she normally keeps inside, the weight of the world on her shoulders, but when the lights go on, she is smiling and full of confidence... a performer, not to fool people, just to survive and maintain sanity.

Shimmer

In this moment right here, right now, I'm content. But somehow, I know that there is a wall in my heart acting as a shield, protecting me from feeling the pain. I'm strong now... now while my focus is on the butterflies and trying not to read too much into the sad look he gave me between the smiles. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. So for now, I am telling myself to ignore that look and be true to me... he wanted this, and I deserve so much more than being the one waiting around for him.




We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

I'll take the butterflies, but only a moment at a time

Have you ever met someone and just something about them made you think, "I want to be with someone like that"? Well, I just found out that that guy has been thinking the same thing about me. It's a little bit of a hard situation because when we met, he lived here in town and now he is working in another state due to lack of jobs here. He grew up here, has family here, and owns land here... but his plan is to work until he can pay off his land and build a house on it. So, going into this, I see the potential but I also see the obstacles in the way. At this point, I know that he's interested and I know that I am, but in this time before we actually start talking to get to know each other, I'm nervous and a little scared that this could change things a lot. I'm not sure how ready I am to let go of hoping a certain ex will have a change of heart or how ready I am to let someone new in, knowing that it could likely have an ending.

Right now, I'll just keep reminding myself to focus on the joy of the giddy, butterflies feeling, but just take it a moment at a time.

Life's lessons for my children

I have this ongoing list in my head of all the things I want to teach my children one day (the children that I hope to one day have, that is). This is a list based on things that I am thankful to have been taught, things that I didn't learn until much later in life, things I think of when I have to remind myself that I am not the parent, and just various life lessons that I think are important.

The following is my list, in no particular order... I may even come back and add a few in the future:

To truly understand what unconditional love is

 To share, be kind and thoughtful, but to know the difference between giving and giving too much of yourself

Be confident in who you are, let yourself be heard

3. To understand that not everyone is going to love you or even like you no matter how wonderful you are

Pain, like everything else, is relative. 

All food is to be tried at least once, as is (as it is prepared) without doctoring (salt, ketchup, hot sauce) because you never know if you don't try it.

6. Boys: If you take a girl on a date and unlock her car door (passenger) first, she better reach over and unlock your door (or at least hit the unlock button)
7. Girls: If a guy takes you on a date, you better reach over and unlock his door if you want a second date. But if he uses a child lock on the door in order to keep you from opening your own door, you better not go on another date with him.
8. Hard work is not just for boys and cleaning is not just for girls.
9. To be able to change a flat tire, check your fluids, and do minor maintenance on your vehicle.
10. To know that Santa Claus is based on a real historical person
11. You will make mistakes in life, WHEN you do, pick yourself up, admit to it, learn from it, and use what you learned to move forward.
12. Your happiness is your own. You have total control of it, NO ONE can take it from you unless you allow them to...
13. I will encourage them to make a list of all the simple things in life that can bring a smile to their face almost instantly so that they can review it when they need a smile.

Things they don't teach you in Health class

You know how when you meet someone that you are physically/sexually attracted to and there is that chemistry that creates the lustful feeling that clouds your mind and gets your blood pumping to pretty much everywhere but your brain? Well, then you begin intimate interactions that make the cloudiness turn into a more primal lust until you experience orgasm which is pure bliss that clears your mind... That clarity is usually pretty black or white for me. It's like a sudden wake-up call to my brain to quickly analyze the situation, how I got there, and whether or not I'm happy with my actions. If I'm with someone I really like and trust, I feel energetic and giddy. But if my actions were a result of the cloudiness more so than my actually wanting to sleep with that person, then it's a sudden wave of guilt and "what the hell, Lisa?" is sounding through my skull. 

That feeling alone is enough to keep me from making those bad decisions for the most part, but there are times that I feel pretty clear-minded when I choose to have sex (usually just for the physical pleasure) thinking that I can keep myself emotionally uninvolved.... that should've been my first clue: I thought I could have sex without emotional involvement. So, I guess I'm wondering if guys get this feeling, too?