Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

I heard that you’re settled down.

That you found a girl and you’re married now.

I heard that your dreams came true.

Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?

It ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the lie.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,

But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.

I hoped you’d see my face & that you’d be reminded,

That for me, it isn’t over.

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you too.

Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

You’d know how the time flies.

Only yesterday was the time of our lives.

We were born and raised in a summery haze.

Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,

But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.

I hoped you’d see my face & that you’d be reminded,

That for me, it isn’t over yet.

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you too.

Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”, yay.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.

Regret’s and mistakes they’re memories made.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you too.

Don’t forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you too.

Don’t forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

"Someone Like You" - Adele

He's engaged. The ex is engaged. As in he proposed to her after not even 2 months of dating. 

As much as I see all the reasons why it probably won't actually happen, I cannot help but feel hurt, mad at him, and also mad at myself for letting it even hurt me as much as it is.... I had to deal with seeing him around town, then seeing him dating again, then hearing all about the dramatic fights they have.... and now this. I just want to find someone who cares about me in the way that I have cared sooo much and loved sooo much. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that I am much better off not being in his or her shoes right now... I guess I just need to throw myself into science and my plans for the Fall. 

Something's got to give...

The one thing I miss most about being in a relationship is the moments when I could just let my guard down and relax. Sometimes I think that maybe the part of me that misses this is the part of me that is second guessing my initial feelings (or lack there of) for the guy that is starting to make it clear that he actually has feelings for me. That was a mouth full... and I am not really in the mood to reword it... so let me just say this: I feel very adamant about not using names in my blogs, but it is really hard to keep things clear about who I am referring to without using a name. I guess I'll just have to start assigning nicknames.

I have been so crazy busy lately that I have been fighting off exhaustion simply because I don't have time for it.  I've been getting these headaches lately and trying with all my might to just do whatever I can to deal with them and push on, but I'm starting to realize that there are too many things going on around me that are adding to the headache situation that I shouldn't really have to put up with... My sister, her boyfriend, and my niece recently moved in to save money. They both smoke and know they shouldn't be doing it in the house, but they stand by a window and blow it out (still manages to get that nasty smell in my room). And my niece, I love her to pieces, but she wakes up crying multiple times a night, which startles me awake making it hard to go back to sleep and when I finally do, she wakes up again. So I've resulted to taking sleeping pills at night and 5-hour energy in the morning. I spend most of my day on campus between classes, labs, and just simply a place to be able to focus... I come home, eat, study some more, and go to bed unless I work that night.

There's a hole now where my heart used to be....

Love is a funny thing. It can give you strength in the tough times and it can wake you in the dead of night, heart pounding with a sinking vulnerability you can't shake. Science says that love is no more than a chemical reaction within our bodies. I have no doubt this is true, but those chemical reactions only last a short time. The chemicals may mimic or even accelerate the feeling, but there is no denying the emotions that remain long after the chemicals fade. I believe this with all my heart and yet I find myself surprised to be feeling the way I am feeling after the one in my heart has made it clear he doesn't want to be friends.

I've worked hard to catch my heart up to speed with my brain. I've forced myself to see him moving on and to try and move on myself. I've practiced tough love with myself, even put myself in situations causing my heart to feel the pain rather than avoiding them. And yet here I am realizing that I am still completely in love with him. I cannot help the sadness I feel when I hear about how much he is going through right now... so much more than I even realized.

I thought the super full moon wasn't until tonight...

Hung out with the ex's girlfriend last night for what was supposed to be a girl's night... except that the ex invited himself. Things appeared to be going well and then it became very apparent that he came because he didn't want us hanging out alone together. It caused a huge argument between them and now he has unfriended me on the good old facebook. I received a few messages this morning from another friend filling me in on the drama that unfolded after they left and it just makes me wonder why she is so set on being my friend and why he is so against it.

In another turn of events, a guy that I wasn't so sure how I felt about has made a reappearance and I can't figure out if it was the escape from the drama that he provided or something more that is making me question my feelings. In any case, I think it might be good for me to just enjoy being single and having dating options for awhile before I allow myself to get too close to another guy.

Looking forward to a (hopefully) drama free night at work. Tonight is the firemen's bowling tournament which means that the ex and his girl should be far from my bar. Considering that tonight is a "super full moon" I want the werewolves and Mr. Hydes as far from me as possible.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

When I was a little kid, my dad was my world. I looked up to him and wanted to be the best daughter a dad could ask for, so I paid close attention to everything he said and became who I thought he wanted me to be. In his eyes, I was the perfect daughter. As I got older, I started to realize that always being the person other people wanted me to be no longer made me happy. In fact, I was quite unhappy. So instead of worrying about disappointing certain people around me, I spent most of my time alone or with friends that liked me for me.

My dad always worked long hours and got home late at night, so I really only ever saw him on Sundays. When I moved out I would make excuses to go see my dad at work, I always felt like I had to have a reason to see him. The few times a year that I would see him outside of work were holiday related and I always felt out of place feeling like I was not really part of his family. I started to notice that there were no longer pictures of me on the walls and the new pictures were of a family where I no longer belonged. It also became apparent that my dad seemed happier and it made me wonder if maybe this family in the pictures was better off without me. In the back of my mind I have always known that he loves me and would probably be very hurt if he ever found out that I feel this way, but the thoughts are still there. When I told my dad that I was moving 2000 miles away for love, he told me that he believed it was the best thing for me to go find my own happiness and to get away from there (meaning my stepmom).

That was 5 years ago. It has been over a year since he has tried to reach me. Birthdays have always been hard because he doesn't call or contact me. Which, in my heart, hurts because a birthday is a celebration of the fact that I was born and it makes me feel like maybe his life would've been easier if I hadn't been. I know in my heart of hearts that he does not believe this, but that doesn't make it not true.

My dad is an amazing man. Ask anyone and they will tell you how kind and giving and wonderful he is. So at the end of the day, my biggest insecurity is that I know he's an amazing man, so if I am the daughter that he doesn't talk about or to... what does that make me?

Tears don't mean you're losing...

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are

Let my heart be my guide?

The heart doesn't choose who it loves, who it cares for, what makes it hurt, or what makes it pound... We cannot control the amount of love we have, only the amount of love we give.


I just finished reading a message from a woman I'm not incredibly fond of, to her brother who was just diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma Cancer.

 "I know were not close, but i remember the day you stoped calling me "sissy". I remember things that you never will. Theres one thing that i do know that out of all the people i know you will be able to overcome this. Your a very strong young man. I wish i could do something i really do. I wish that this never happened to you. I wish it happened to me. I know your gonna be ok. I just want to tell you that i do love you. Your my little brother dont forget that. Just think positive. Everyone is on your side and everyone is praying for you. i love you."

And even though she may not be one of my favorite people, I couldn't help but want to give her a hug. In fact, from the moment I met her, I felt like I wanted to befriend her and I felt protective of her in spite of all the red flags that were warning me against it. I don't know him. I may not like her all that much, but I certainly do not hate her... I cannot help but feel empathy pains for her.

I think that in a way, seeing her is like seeing my sister when she was still struggling through all that life had thrown at her as a kid. I do not know her well enough to know what kind of life she has lived, but what I do know is that my heart keeps leading me towards her and I'm still trying to decide how to proceed.

The opposite of love at first sight

Friday was the day I had to break the news to Georgia that there was just no connection and I didn't want to lead him on... Well, he took it a little better than I thought, although I'm sure it was a front because the last thing he said to me was, "I'll text you in a few minutes" and I have yet to hear from him. He flies back to Georgia today.

This whole thing makes me wonder how many times I, like him, see a relationship through rose colored glasses and somehow miss the fact that the other person is really not feeling any chemistry? Even in hind sight, I am having a hard time seeing it. In any case, as much as I feel like the biggest jerk, I know that I did the right thing. I couldn't stand to lead him on or let him spoil me any more in hopes of a relationship growing, when I had already given up and checked out. The hard thing now is this small town. I know he is going back to Georgia, but his family lives here and we share friends that were really hoping things would work out because he really is a great guy and I know he deserves a great woman, I am just not the woman for him.

I am also left wondering if I really do know what I am looking for overall because I was pretty shocked myself that this whole thing didn't quite work out or really that it ended so matter of factly. Part of me thinks that maybe, just maybe, I should've tried a little harder to make it work... but a stronger part of me knows that we'd both just end up settling and being unhappy in the end. I don't know if he realized it and just ignored it, but it was quite obvious to me that I am not the woman he wants to be with. I think he just wanted it to work so badly that he wasn't willing to see it. It was like the opposite of love at first sight... Instead of getting that feeling of knowing we weren't meant to be together, I got the feeling that we were not meant to be at all; that the course of our being in each other's lives had served it's course.

Maybe the butterflies got tired of waiting...

So last night was the date that I had been waiting what seemed like forever for... and well, not even 5 minutes into it I realized that there was no chemistry... none. He was a perfect gentleman, sweet as can be. He was funny and did everything right, just not a good match for me, I guess. And this morning we are supposed to go out again and spend the day together, which means I have the tough job of telling him how I feel. This really sucks because I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to lead him on, but it just seems like I have to choose one and since leading him on would only end up hurting him more in the end, I have to tell him now.

If you are reading this and have been on the receiving end of the bad news, please know that it's not an excuse or a cop-out-nice-way-of-saying "I can do better". It's really just that I don't see potential beyond friendship, something is missing. I plan on writing later as a follow up.

Look Heart, No Hands

Having patience is not the same as being patient. I am absolutely horrible at waiting for anything. Especially when I am excited. I like having a plan and knowing what to expect, but I also feel that when you commit to doing something at a certain time, you should be there on time. Today is the day of my big date. I have been anxiously waiting for this day for awhile now and now that it is here, I am on edge and feeling pretty vulnerable because as much as I don't want to get my hopes up, it's been kind of hard not to... plus, this whole butterflies in the stomach thing is not making my wait any easier. I have no idea what to expect as far as where we are going, what we are doing, or really even when... I don't like being so in the dark. It makes me feel vulnerable. Like, since there is no official plan, there is a higher likelihood of something getting in the way of it actually happening.

I also worry that somehow it won't feel right or the same when we are actually hanging out together on this date. We've had great conversations face to face before and everything has gone great so far, but I guess it's just the part of me that is protecting my heart... my brain forewarning my heart that there is a high risk involved and there is a good chance of it not working out.