Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

When I was a little kid, my dad was my world. I looked up to him and wanted to be the best daughter a dad could ask for, so I paid close attention to everything he said and became who I thought he wanted me to be. In his eyes, I was the perfect daughter. As I got older, I started to realize that always being the person other people wanted me to be no longer made me happy. In fact, I was quite unhappy. So instead of worrying about disappointing certain people around me, I spent most of my time alone or with friends that liked me for me.

My dad always worked long hours and got home late at night, so I really only ever saw him on Sundays. When I moved out I would make excuses to go see my dad at work, I always felt like I had to have a reason to see him. The few times a year that I would see him outside of work were holiday related and I always felt out of place feeling like I was not really part of his family. I started to notice that there were no longer pictures of me on the walls and the new pictures were of a family where I no longer belonged. It also became apparent that my dad seemed happier and it made me wonder if maybe this family in the pictures was better off without me. In the back of my mind I have always known that he loves me and would probably be very hurt if he ever found out that I feel this way, but the thoughts are still there. When I told my dad that I was moving 2000 miles away for love, he told me that he believed it was the best thing for me to go find my own happiness and to get away from there (meaning my stepmom).

That was 5 years ago. It has been over a year since he has tried to reach me. Birthdays have always been hard because he doesn't call or contact me. Which, in my heart, hurts because a birthday is a celebration of the fact that I was born and it makes me feel like maybe his life would've been easier if I hadn't been. I know in my heart of hearts that he does not believe this, but that doesn't make it not true.

My dad is an amazing man. Ask anyone and they will tell you how kind and giving and wonderful he is. So at the end of the day, my biggest insecurity is that I know he's an amazing man, so if I am the daughter that he doesn't talk about or to... what does that make me?