Haven't been on here in awhile... every time I start to type something out it gets too close to the heart and I cannot go any further. Distraction is a powerful thing, but it doesn't really solve anything. The hardest part in this whole mess of drama is losing two of my closest friends and now knowing that as much as I may want to go back to before this whole mess happened, it never really will. And yet, a part of me wants to let my heart win and be the bigger person and fix this whole thing... but it's my pride that is stopping me, because this is not my damage to fix and if I am the one to swallow my pride, I will always doubt their true sincerity.
I have trust issues and these walls I've put up are helping me during daylight and out in public, but killing my heart at night. Part of me wants to go to him and tell him right to his face how much he hurt me, but I don't know what I would expect his response to be. And if I go to her and tell her how much she hurt me, I think that all I'd get in response is defense. I also don't want to give them the benefit of knowing they hurt me. I don't want to cause any more drama than there already is and I want to be the bigger person in all of this and just let them figure it all out on their own. If they care about me as much as they say, it shouldn't take long.
A good friend came up to me today and asked me if I needed a hug. She said she knew me better than the smile I was hiding behind and that while everyone else may be fooled, a big heart like mine is not insensitive enough to not be hurting by all this. It instantly brought tears to my eyes because I have been spinning in circles amazed at the fact that no one else, not even one other person, has truly listened to me and shown that they know me like that. The even more surprising thing is that she is a fairly new friend and was not there for any of the drama. It gives me hope that I won't have to settle for always being the better friend and that there is at least one person who really listens when I talk.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
If you could only listen to one song for the next month, which would it be?
"Shame" by Matchbox 20 or possibly "Heartless" by Kris Allen
Done.
Sleep. Yep, something I should be doing, but I'm not. Last night he came into the bar with another girl. It wasn't just that he was out with another girl, but that of all bars to take her to, he chose mine... mine on the busiest night of the year when I am bartending. On top of that, he proceeded to yell out "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" to me over the crowd and in front of everyone. It pissed a lot of people off that he was being such an ass... Not sure what happened there... so out of character for him. In any case, there is no excuse for being such a disrespectful ass to me and to go out of his way to hurt me like that. I'm done.
I'm pissed at him enough to get through the sadness, but I am mentally and physically exhausted. Slept for 2 hours last night before waking up and not being able to sleep. Haven't had much to eat either.
Tried going on a casual online dating site for a simple distraction and I think I made the guy start falling for me, which is not good. It is super premature, but it is also nothing that I am seriously considering right now.
Need sleep, back hurts... I did meet a guy last night at the bar... he saw the whole thing go down and was there Friday night to see the lovey-dovey part of it, so he took that as his que to hit on me. It was nice having the distraction and miner payback... or at least it highlighted the fact that being able to flirt back is pretty freeing.
Don't know if anyone actually reads these posts... but sorry for the spotty thought process, just tired.
I'm pissed at him enough to get through the sadness, but I am mentally and physically exhausted. Slept for 2 hours last night before waking up and not being able to sleep. Haven't had much to eat either.
Tried going on a casual online dating site for a simple distraction and I think I made the guy start falling for me, which is not good. It is super premature, but it is also nothing that I am seriously considering right now.
Need sleep, back hurts... I did meet a guy last night at the bar... he saw the whole thing go down and was there Friday night to see the lovey-dovey part of it, so he took that as his que to hit on me. It was nice having the distraction and miner payback... or at least it highlighted the fact that being able to flirt back is pretty freeing.
Don't know if anyone actually reads these posts... but sorry for the spotty thought process, just tired.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The hearts biggest battle
He came up to me last night and gave me a big hug. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was already missing me. Next thing I know, we're yelling at each other out back of the restaurant and then again in his truck. The yelling wasn't hurtful, the words were in no way harmful, he was telling me how much it hurt him to hear that he was hurting me... I was telling him I wasn't giving up on him, just afraid to get hurt. We were both admitting that we let it end due to misunderstanding the other person and fear of getting hurt. The night ended with a lot of tears, freezing toes, and an exhausted "let's take a few days to let the emotions subside and then figure out what we want". And a kiss.
This is probably the first real fight that we've ever really had. First time that I have stood up to him and yelled to get my point across. First time I felt strongly enough about us to fight for it. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want in life, fight for happiness... he's exhausted and frustrated with how long it's been and the fact that where we are now verses a year ago isn't all that far at all, relationship-wise. He says he realizes how good it could be, realizes how happy we could be together, but doesn't see how we can get through the hurdle of fear that pulls him back every time we get too close.
I've been blessed with the outlook of faith, being able to focus in on the future I see possible with him and squint until the obstacles in my way seem puny and I can trudge full speed ahead. It's the doubts that I occasionally let in when my guard is low that act like shiny objects distracting me from my goal and make me question my sanity. Have you ever just seen so much potential in someone that they fail to see for themselves. I'm not out to save him, although I do believe I can show him the way to happiness. I'm not out to change his world, just want to be someone who makes it a little more fun to be in.
On a side note, tonight is the busiest day of the year at the bar. Every hunter from the area and all the ones from the city with cabins in the area will be out in the woods today (opening day) and they will all be coming out of the woods ready to drink. This is good for my wallet, going to be hard on my body, but at least now there won't be the added drained emotional feeling that I felt yesterday. I believe in him, I believe in us, I believe in me. Cannot imagine who would walk away from what we have and give up on the potential of what we could be.
This is probably the first real fight that we've ever really had. First time that I have stood up to him and yelled to get my point across. First time I felt strongly enough about us to fight for it. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want in life, fight for happiness... he's exhausted and frustrated with how long it's been and the fact that where we are now verses a year ago isn't all that far at all, relationship-wise. He says he realizes how good it could be, realizes how happy we could be together, but doesn't see how we can get through the hurdle of fear that pulls him back every time we get too close.
I've been blessed with the outlook of faith, being able to focus in on the future I see possible with him and squint until the obstacles in my way seem puny and I can trudge full speed ahead. It's the doubts that I occasionally let in when my guard is low that act like shiny objects distracting me from my goal and make me question my sanity. Have you ever just seen so much potential in someone that they fail to see for themselves. I'm not out to save him, although I do believe I can show him the way to happiness. I'm not out to change his world, just want to be someone who makes it a little more fun to be in.
On a side note, tonight is the busiest day of the year at the bar. Every hunter from the area and all the ones from the city with cabins in the area will be out in the woods today (opening day) and they will all be coming out of the woods ready to drink. This is good for my wallet, going to be hard on my body, but at least now there won't be the added drained emotional feeling that I felt yesterday. I believe in him, I believe in us, I believe in me. Cannot imagine who would walk away from what we have and give up on the potential of what we could be.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Had a dream last night that even with today's events, I cannot seem to get out of my head. Nothing all that dramatic. I dreamed that I had a baby girl, or more accurately, I realized I had a baby girl. It was like realizing I was pregnant, but instead of being pregnant, I had a baby... right there in my hands. She was beautiful. And soft and warm. And at first I was a little in disbelief, like I wasn't all that sure that she was mine (the thought of birth never entered my mind as a factor in the equation) but there was this point where I was holding her and noticed how her skin felt so soft and warm and instantly I felt love. I felt protective and wanted nothing more than to make sure she had a great happy life.
There wasn't much to the dream. I woke up to my alarm this morning dazed and upset at being pulled out of the dream... but mostly upset that she wasn't really mine. I don't know if this is my minds way of telling me something or just the result of my brain processing day to day events. I've thought about this all day and while showering this morning, I even considered how practical it would be to try and keep my job as bartender and continue as a student while pregnant. I'm not. It's not likely to happen any time soon with current circumstances and being on birth control. But it makes me wonder.
There wasn't much to the dream. I woke up to my alarm this morning dazed and upset at being pulled out of the dream... but mostly upset that she wasn't really mine. I don't know if this is my minds way of telling me something or just the result of my brain processing day to day events. I've thought about this all day and while showering this morning, I even considered how practical it would be to try and keep my job as bartender and continue as a student while pregnant. I'm not. It's not likely to happen any time soon with current circumstances and being on birth control. But it makes me wonder.
I may hate myself in the morning...
Just did what could be the best or worst thing for me and my future... not sure which.
I've had a horrible headache for the last 2 days and being triggered by hormones and stress, I'm an emotional mess. The only thing I've found that takes the pain away, or at least makes it bearable, is caffeine, which makes me jittery and anxious. So when the pain starts to come back, I am a jittery, anxious, emotional mess with a headache. This got me thinking about the things in my life that are bringing on the stress and since school is not really something I'm willing to give up or slow down on, he came to mind. Or to be more accurate, the stress/anxiety that comes with the lack of commitment and that 7th day fear, well this made me realize that of all the people in my life, he's the one I want to go to, to be held by, he's the one that is likely to be too busy. It made me realize that I am giving so much of myself to him, because I believe in him and that it'll be worth it, and he is not ready to be that person for me... and whether that is a "yet" or not, neither of us knows. Anyhow, this thinking drove me to his house and made me tell him all this while it was still fresh in my mind and while I still had the nerve. We agreed that we should take a step back to just friends before we lose even that, but he also told me that he has feelings for me that scare him and that he is not ready to deal with and that he's not sure when or even if he'll be ready to deal with them.
So we stood there; me knowing that as soon as I walked out that door, things would be different, yet I didn't know how or what to expect. And him, well, either he was being strong for both of us or he was relieved. I have no doubt that he'll think of me and wonder if we made the right choice every time he hears my name or drives past my house. And, honestly, I'm hoping that it'll make him realize that he might lose me if he waits too long to make an effort. I'm doing this for me. And I know full well that I may hate myself in the morning or come next week when I'm horny and not emotional... but I'll know that I did it for me, because I deserve better. For now though, I will enjoy this little bit of relief that I feel having bluntly stated my case and gotten answers to the questions I've been too afraid to ask.
I've had a horrible headache for the last 2 days and being triggered by hormones and stress, I'm an emotional mess. The only thing I've found that takes the pain away, or at least makes it bearable, is caffeine, which makes me jittery and anxious. So when the pain starts to come back, I am a jittery, anxious, emotional mess with a headache. This got me thinking about the things in my life that are bringing on the stress and since school is not really something I'm willing to give up or slow down on, he came to mind. Or to be more accurate, the stress/anxiety that comes with the lack of commitment and that 7th day fear, well this made me realize that of all the people in my life, he's the one I want to go to, to be held by, he's the one that is likely to be too busy. It made me realize that I am giving so much of myself to him, because I believe in him and that it'll be worth it, and he is not ready to be that person for me... and whether that is a "yet" or not, neither of us knows. Anyhow, this thinking drove me to his house and made me tell him all this while it was still fresh in my mind and while I still had the nerve. We agreed that we should take a step back to just friends before we lose even that, but he also told me that he has feelings for me that scare him and that he is not ready to deal with and that he's not sure when or even if he'll be ready to deal with them.
So we stood there; me knowing that as soon as I walked out that door, things would be different, yet I didn't know how or what to expect. And him, well, either he was being strong for both of us or he was relieved. I have no doubt that he'll think of me and wonder if we made the right choice every time he hears my name or drives past my house. And, honestly, I'm hoping that it'll make him realize that he might lose me if he waits too long to make an effort. I'm doing this for me. And I know full well that I may hate myself in the morning or come next week when I'm horny and not emotional... but I'll know that I did it for me, because I deserve better. For now though, I will enjoy this little bit of relief that I feel having bluntly stated my case and gotten answers to the questions I've been too afraid to ask.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Here's to My Boobs and Hunters!
"Sagittarius: You know that release you feel when you unbutton the top of your jeans after a huge feast? An unexpected cancellation, postponement or change in plans will give you that same wonderful sense of relaxation and relief now. Make the most of it and fill up your newly flexible time with the things that need to be addressed. A quick shuffle will put things in the right priority and line everything up so you can neatly knock things down."
LMFAO.... way to rub it in. I have been fighting with time lately and as you may have guessed, am losing terribly. How nice of my horoscope to mock my schedule! Work tonight... should be getting ready now. Work til around 2-3am. Then I have to study a bit before getting a few hours of sleep. Mom's birthday is Thursday and she flies out to CO on Sat. morning, so we are celebrating tomorrow, which means a full day of not being able to study for my BIG test on Monday. There is nothing that can be canceled or postponed to allow for a "wonderful sense of relaxation and relief now".
Need to get off here and find something sexy to wear tonight, the hunters are in town and they are big tippers, so here's to 12 hours of serving beer, wine, and liquor and making a ton of money just because I have boobs! Will have to do a shot tonight at the end to celebrate my boobs.
LMFAO.... way to rub it in. I have been fighting with time lately and as you may have guessed, am losing terribly. How nice of my horoscope to mock my schedule! Work tonight... should be getting ready now. Work til around 2-3am. Then I have to study a bit before getting a few hours of sleep. Mom's birthday is Thursday and she flies out to CO on Sat. morning, so we are celebrating tomorrow, which means a full day of not being able to study for my BIG test on Monday. There is nothing that can be canceled or postponed to allow for a "wonderful sense of relaxation and relief now".
Need to get off here and find something sexy to wear tonight, the hunters are in town and they are big tippers, so here's to 12 hours of serving beer, wine, and liquor and making a ton of money just because I have boobs! Will have to do a shot tonight at the end to celebrate my boobs.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Dreams, wishes, wants... just no more science.
Exhausted. I am emotionally drained, my body aches, and my brain is tired of thinking and studying all this science. As much as I love the subject, I am to the point where all I want to do is spend a day in bed. This wouldn't be all that surprising, accept that I just got over being sick and spending 3 straight days in bed.
Been thinking a lot about wishes lately. Clear, cold, starry nights... candles... dreams... I even make wishes every time the trip odometer on my car reads all the same digits (ex: 22.2, 111.1, 99.9 etc). I don't necessarily believe that my wishes will come true, but I do believe that making the wish is important. Putting my dreams into words and out into the world is important. If for no other reason, just to keep them fresh in my mind. Dreaming is important. Not just the kind that comes from your brain getting good sleep, that's important, too, but not as important as having a dream.
I would definitely consider myself a dreamer. I am proud to be one, too. I enjoy dreaming up my dreams and sharing them with people who support me and therefore support them. I don't really know why all this is on my mind.
I guess the exhausted feeling is more of a drained feeling. I have been working my ass off at work and school and I've been saving for a new bed (the one I sleep on sucks and is not really mine... plus, I bought a queen size bed and all the bedding to go with it only to sleep in it for just less than a month before I found out the man I was sharing that bed with realized he was no longer in love. I left the next day, he kept the bed. So, needless to say, a new bed would be a good way to make up for that last regret.) Anyway, I've been saving and I got within $50 of my goal, only to be reminded (by a giant tree in Walmart) that Christmas is just over a month away. Thought I was okay with the idea of cutting my bed savings in half to avoid the extra holiday stress, but then I failed a lab practical that I studied my ass off for. Still waiting to see if that grade is going to blow my 4.0 out of reach for the semester.
I'm drained because I give and give and give, or really work and study and give, and it feels like I'm not getting a whole lot back to show for it. In reality, I know that my hard work will pay off in the end, of course it will. But tell that to my body that aches because this bed doesn't support it at night and to my brain/pride that felt so confident after learning all those "exact scientific names, spelling, and pronunciation" only to find out that was only going to help me with 3 of the 70 questions. I just simply want to be pleasantly surprised, somehow, by someone else. Or eat comfort food, watch endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and Friday Night Lights so that I will have a real reason to cry.
Been thinking a lot about wishes lately. Clear, cold, starry nights... candles... dreams... I even make wishes every time the trip odometer on my car reads all the same digits (ex: 22.2, 111.1, 99.9 etc). I don't necessarily believe that my wishes will come true, but I do believe that making the wish is important. Putting my dreams into words and out into the world is important. If for no other reason, just to keep them fresh in my mind. Dreaming is important. Not just the kind that comes from your brain getting good sleep, that's important, too, but not as important as having a dream.
I would definitely consider myself a dreamer. I am proud to be one, too. I enjoy dreaming up my dreams and sharing them with people who support me and therefore support them. I don't really know why all this is on my mind.
I guess the exhausted feeling is more of a drained feeling. I have been working my ass off at work and school and I've been saving for a new bed (the one I sleep on sucks and is not really mine... plus, I bought a queen size bed and all the bedding to go with it only to sleep in it for just less than a month before I found out the man I was sharing that bed with realized he was no longer in love. I left the next day, he kept the bed. So, needless to say, a new bed would be a good way to make up for that last regret.) Anyway, I've been saving and I got within $50 of my goal, only to be reminded (by a giant tree in Walmart) that Christmas is just over a month away. Thought I was okay with the idea of cutting my bed savings in half to avoid the extra holiday stress, but then I failed a lab practical that I studied my ass off for. Still waiting to see if that grade is going to blow my 4.0 out of reach for the semester.
I'm drained because I give and give and give, or really work and study and give, and it feels like I'm not getting a whole lot back to show for it. In reality, I know that my hard work will pay off in the end, of course it will. But tell that to my body that aches because this bed doesn't support it at night and to my brain/pride that felt so confident after learning all those "exact scientific names, spelling, and pronunciation" only to find out that was only going to help me with 3 of the 70 questions. I just simply want to be pleasantly surprised, somehow, by someone else. Or eat comfort food, watch endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and Friday Night Lights so that I will have a real reason to cry.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Like the Taste of Your Smile
Last night was a good reminder of exactly why I love him and am trying so hard to be patient. He gave me a foot massage and held me for hours. We slept on the couch, which is barely big enough for the two of us, especially considering he is really tall. It was nice to be held all night but especially nice when he'd do the little things like run his fingers along my face and hands. It's a wonderful feeling when a man looks at you with such tenderness.
"I miss those blue eyes
how you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe.."
-Colbie Caillat
I love kissing him when he is smiling so hard, like he can't even stop smiling to kiss me.
It's good to have these little reminders that I'm not a fool falling for someone who just loves to be loved. He might not always be the best at showing his feelings, but when he does, it's so genuine and full hearted that I can't help but love him even more.
"I miss those blue eyes
how you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe.."
-Colbie Caillat
I love kissing him when he is smiling so hard, like he can't even stop smiling to kiss me.
It's good to have these little reminders that I'm not a fool falling for someone who just loves to be loved. He might not always be the best at showing his feelings, but when he does, it's so genuine and full hearted that I can't help but love him even more.
Friday, November 5, 2010
"The woman in me..."
I'm not always strong
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose
But I can't always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can't go on
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It's a beautiful place
When you kiss my face
-Shania Twain
Song's been stuck in my head... probably because I keep listening to it. I told him once that what I really want in a relationship is to be able to come home from the world that expects me to be the strong woman that I am and to just be able to fall into his arms (or someone's arms). To just be able to let down my guards and feel like it's okay to cry... to be able to breathe even if only for a moment, just long enough to catch my breath. I believe this song really conveys that message. The message that I am getting is that he is not ready or not willing to be that man for me right now.
So tonight I am drinking wine, a bottle should do it, but I bought two just in case. Not sad, just contemplative. Just in case you are wondering Bully Hill's Sweet Walter Rose.
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose
But I can't always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can't go on
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It's a beautiful place
When you kiss my face
-Shania Twain
Song's been stuck in my head... probably because I keep listening to it. I told him once that what I really want in a relationship is to be able to come home from the world that expects me to be the strong woman that I am and to just be able to fall into his arms (or someone's arms). To just be able to let down my guards and feel like it's okay to cry... to be able to breathe even if only for a moment, just long enough to catch my breath. I believe this song really conveys that message. The message that I am getting is that he is not ready or not willing to be that man for me right now.
So tonight I am drinking wine, a bottle should do it, but I bought two just in case. Not sad, just contemplative. Just in case you are wondering Bully Hill's Sweet Walter Rose.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The view from the other side
Another of those should be sleeping nights... only this time I really should be studying. I'm just a little scienced up to my ears and think I deserve a break.
Today I have been reminded of how far I have come and how I just need to stop and appreciate that for at least a few moments every single day. I used to spend a lot of my time worrying about who I was letting down, what I could/needed to do to be happy, way too much time spent trying to make everyone else's dreams come true and way too little time on my own. I distracted myself with everything I could to avoid spending time thinking the thoughts that inevitably would fill my mind and lead to doubts and insecurities. As crazy as it sounds, having my heart broken was the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to spend many tear-filled nights thinking through those thoughts and coming to true understanding and appreciation for the life I've lived and the person I've become as a result.
In Grey's Anatomy, Meredith Grey is my absolute favorite. The show itself makes me cry every episode, but the things she says really makes me think. "At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. You can waste your life drawing lines... or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know: If you're willing to take a chance,,, the view from the other side... is spectacular."
Love it. Wise words from a wise woman, even if she's not real.
Guess I'm going to take these words to apply them to the patience I'll need to get through the rest of this week and the possibility that this day 8 is very likely to be followed by a day 9-?
Today I have been reminded of how far I have come and how I just need to stop and appreciate that for at least a few moments every single day. I used to spend a lot of my time worrying about who I was letting down, what I could/needed to do to be happy, way too much time spent trying to make everyone else's dreams come true and way too little time on my own. I distracted myself with everything I could to avoid spending time thinking the thoughts that inevitably would fill my mind and lead to doubts and insecurities. As crazy as it sounds, having my heart broken was the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to spend many tear-filled nights thinking through those thoughts and coming to true understanding and appreciation for the life I've lived and the person I've become as a result.
In Grey's Anatomy, Meredith Grey is my absolute favorite. The show itself makes me cry every episode, but the things she says really makes me think. "At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. You can waste your life drawing lines... or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know: If you're willing to take a chance,,, the view from the other side... is spectacular."
Love it. Wise words from a wise woman, even if she's not real.
Guess I'm going to take these words to apply them to the patience I'll need to get through the rest of this week and the possibility that this day 8 is very likely to be followed by a day 9-?
Day 7 and wondering if this is it
Should probably be sleeping right now. Been sick the last few days. This has allowed me some much needed sleep and downtime, but has also given me too much free time to over think and over analyze my life's questions.
Wondering if I'm being to patient with the man I'm in love with. We've been making these baby steps towards... well, not sure if we're both aiming for the same thing. A little back story might help clarify my reasoning for being patient:
We met about a year ago and had instant attraction. Things moved fast... day one: we met. day two: date 1. day 3: date 2. day 4: I met his whole family and we went camping. day 8: we became an official couple.... month 1: good... and like the mature scarred heart that I am, I kept my feet firmly on the ground and just had fun. Month 2: things were going great... feet still firmly planted. Much time spent together, very little apart. Month 3: Things couldn't be better... until they weren't. He became distant, I confronted him about it, we broke up. Months 4-7: we saw each other about once a month and things (in those brief moments) felt like it never ended. Month 5: We decided to just be friends, as in friends who don't have sex and kiss and hang out naked... Month 6-8: A lot of breaking the friends only rule. Month 8: Agreed that the whole friends only thing wasn't working... lots more sex. Currently in month 12 and we've spent at least on night a week together since the beginning of month 8.
We are very close and talk a lot about what possibly went wrong the first go round and try to figure out what the hell this is without it getting to deep. I tend to over analyze, so I've spend many moments thinking this through and my theory is this: We got too close too soon. Just when I started to fall in love even with my feet firmly planted on the ground, he pulled away... whether it was too much too soon or too much that he wasn't ready to feel, I may never know.
I want more. I want to know that he is mine and feels this way about me. But it's like he is afraid to admit or allow himself to fall for me. I don't really have time for a relationship, (I'm going to school 5 days a week and driving an hour each way to get there, plus working long bartending shifts) and neither does he (he works evenings/nights, is a volunteer fireman (a lot of fires this time of year) and he hunts). So we have this agreement... frequency stays about once a week. No daily contact necessary, no family functions, no relationship rules... with the exception of intimate relations... as in we are exclusive.
So here I am day 7 since I last saw him (and there was no sex involved) and I'm wondering if this is the time he stops coming over or if I'm just missing him and being paranoid due to too much time on my hands to think and being hurt before.
Wondering if I'm being to patient with the man I'm in love with. We've been making these baby steps towards... well, not sure if we're both aiming for the same thing. A little back story might help clarify my reasoning for being patient:
We met about a year ago and had instant attraction. Things moved fast... day one: we met. day two: date 1. day 3: date 2. day 4: I met his whole family and we went camping. day 8: we became an official couple.... month 1: good... and like the mature scarred heart that I am, I kept my feet firmly on the ground and just had fun. Month 2: things were going great... feet still firmly planted. Much time spent together, very little apart. Month 3: Things couldn't be better... until they weren't. He became distant, I confronted him about it, we broke up. Months 4-7: we saw each other about once a month and things (in those brief moments) felt like it never ended. Month 5: We decided to just be friends, as in friends who don't have sex and kiss and hang out naked... Month 6-8: A lot of breaking the friends only rule. Month 8: Agreed that the whole friends only thing wasn't working... lots more sex. Currently in month 12 and we've spent at least on night a week together since the beginning of month 8.
We are very close and talk a lot about what possibly went wrong the first go round and try to figure out what the hell this is without it getting to deep. I tend to over analyze, so I've spend many moments thinking this through and my theory is this: We got too close too soon. Just when I started to fall in love even with my feet firmly planted on the ground, he pulled away... whether it was too much too soon or too much that he wasn't ready to feel, I may never know.
I want more. I want to know that he is mine and feels this way about me. But it's like he is afraid to admit or allow himself to fall for me. I don't really have time for a relationship, (I'm going to school 5 days a week and driving an hour each way to get there, plus working long bartending shifts) and neither does he (he works evenings/nights, is a volunteer fireman (a lot of fires this time of year) and he hunts). So we have this agreement... frequency stays about once a week. No daily contact necessary, no family functions, no relationship rules... with the exception of intimate relations... as in we are exclusive.
So here I am day 7 since I last saw him (and there was no sex involved) and I'm wondering if this is the time he stops coming over or if I'm just missing him and being paranoid due to too much time on my hands to think and being hurt before.
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