I have a date!!!!

Yes. That's right, an actual date! AND it's with a really great/VERY handsome man. Can you tell I am giddy and smiling from ear to ear? I've been trying not to get my hopes up or let myself like him too much because I'm still guarded, but he has been asking for over a week and he really proved himself Saturday night. He came in to the bar during my shift and really made my night better after a crappy night (my boss is an ass and I stood up to him and got fired for it).

This post is already making me wish I would've written more this past week because now it's coming out as a jumbled mess... Plus, it's so much easier to write when I'm not so hyper.

To be continued...

Can I trust you with my heart

If we're all lonely people in this world looking to love and be loved, then why is it so hard to find someone you can trust with your heart? Is this just a world full of jaded people who really believe it's better to hurt that be hurt? It seems that every time I find someone who I like enough to let into my heart, they either pull away or hurt me. I'm fighting like hell to keep from being jaded and I'm trying to take every blow as an opportunity to grow stronger. But when it comes down to it, I'm standing in a hole clawing at the dirt to climb out and though I can see the blue skies above, sometimes I just get tired and want to give up.

When did guys stop making an effort?

When did it become acceptable for guys to hit on girls with a straight to the point "let's have sex"? The best part is when they respond to your "no" with a long story about how they're looking for a good girl to start a relationship with... REALLY?! How dumb do you think I am? You've not only insulted my integrity but now you've insulted my intelligence. I've never been one to want the princess treatment, but a little bit of effort would be nice. Save the cheap pick-up lines for the street walkers and strippers, they will never work on this girl.

Silence is louder than snoring

As hard as it is to sleep next to someone when you're used to sleeping alone, it's a whole lot harder to sleep alone when they are gone.

Fun weekend. My sister's 21st and I ended up sharing my bed with a good friend. And when I say sharing my bed, I mean just that. It's rare to find someone that can honestly communicate their intentions and openly convey their feelings like me, but he is just that person. Neither of us are really ready for any kind of relationship, as much as we like each other and he is very respectable and mature about not crossing that line. With that said, we cozied right up to that line and enjoyed each other's company and warmth. I can see this developing into a wonderful friendship and I really hope it doesn't get mixed up or lost in the mix of things.

Perhaps 'cause I can't have you...

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever

On the radio this morning

They played our song

And I thought about the good times

And I wondered what went wrong

Miscommunication?

'Cause you had no faith in me?

Lack of inspiration?

Or maybe, maybe it's just me

Maybe it's just me...

There's life that surrounds me, but still I cannot see

I just can't make my heart fall for beauty endlessly

I don't know what I'm feeling

It's not right, it can't be

I try to find someone to blame

But maybe, maybe it's just me

Maybe it's just me...

Maybe you were right to find your way out of my life

You found comfort elsewhere while I held on way too tight

But I find no reason why I can't be satisfied

Perhaps 'cause I can't have you...

On the radio this morning they played our song

Thought about the good times

And I wondered what went wrong

Miscommunication?

'Cause you had no faith in me?

Lack of inspiration?

Or maybe, maybe it's just me...

Maybe you were right to find your way out of my life

You found comfort elsewhere, while I held on way too tight

I find no reason why I can't be satisfied

Perhaps 'cause I can't have you...

Maybe you were right to find your way out of my life

You found comfort elsewhere, while I held on way too tight

But I find no reason why I can't be satisfied

Perhaps 'cause I can't have you... 

-Ingram Hill "Maybe it's Me"

I cannot seem to get his face out of my mind. I'm exhausted tired, but when I sleep, I dream of him. And as much as I was ready to be done with school for the semester, now there is no real distraction... so I'm left here to my own thoughts and this town that is filled with reminders of him.

I wonder if he thinks about me anywhere near as much as he is on my mind. I know he has his distractions, but there have got to be things that remind him of me.... 

Part of me is so thrilled to get out of this town and the constant reminder of him and his choice. But at the same time, I am afraid of letting go and actually moving on. I've done it before and I know moving on is good and that I will very likely find a guy who treats me better and actually wants to be with me. But in this moment and many others like it, I feel left alone here in the pain with the fear that if I move on, I'll be settling. 

You're my Wonderwall...

Backbeat the word was on the street 

That the fire in your heart is out 

I'm sure you've heard it all before 

But you never really had a doubt 

I don't believe that anybody feels 

The way I do about you now 

Broken

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

Somewhere in between

What I want

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Glass

Heart's keeping me up again. It seems like the more I try to move on, the harder it gets. I've tried distracting myself, throwing myself into my studies, exercising until my muscles hurt more than my heart. But there are these moments, and there seem to be so many of them lately, that I see him in everything around me. He's moved on and I was happy for him until it started feeling like he was trying a little too hard to prove that he's happier now, while at the same time actively avoiding me. It hurts. A lot. I tried making friends with them both and he was totally against it. I try to take the higher road and just let them say and do what they want, knowing that they want me to disappear. But somehow even when I am doing my best to stay out of their way and just keep my pain to myself, I hear that they had another very public fight that in someway, I am the reason for. Sometimes I just want to disappear myself and just get away. I've been waiting on UB to respond to my application, just trying to focus on moving up there this Fall, but even that doesn't seem soon enough. None of it makes sense and I know it doesn't really matter if it makes sense to me.

My heart is breaking and I feel so alone in all of this.




Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.

I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.

We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass. 

Giving up

Do you ever feel like you could just give up on love? Just walk away from the hope of the rose colored anything, shift your focus onto reinforcing those walls around your heart and just walk in the opposite direction. What do you do when the one thing you've always dreamed about, the only thing you really ever wanted out of life starts to fade into the world of pixie dust and magic slippers?

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

I heard that you’re settled down.

That you found a girl and you’re married now.

I heard that your dreams came true.

Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?

It ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the lie.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,

But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.

I hoped you’d see my face & that you’d be reminded,

That for me, it isn’t over.

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you too.

Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

You’d know how the time flies.

Only yesterday was the time of our lives.

We were born and raised in a summery haze.

Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,

But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.

I hoped you’d see my face & that you’d be reminded,

That for me, it isn’t over yet.

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you too.

Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”, yay.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.

Regret’s and mistakes they’re memories made.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you too.

Don’t forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you too.

Don’t forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

"Someone Like You" - Adele

He's engaged. The ex is engaged. As in he proposed to her after not even 2 months of dating. 

As much as I see all the reasons why it probably won't actually happen, I cannot help but feel hurt, mad at him, and also mad at myself for letting it even hurt me as much as it is.... I had to deal with seeing him around town, then seeing him dating again, then hearing all about the dramatic fights they have.... and now this. I just want to find someone who cares about me in the way that I have cared sooo much and loved sooo much. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that I am much better off not being in his or her shoes right now... I guess I just need to throw myself into science and my plans for the Fall. 

Something's got to give...

The one thing I miss most about being in a relationship is the moments when I could just let my guard down and relax. Sometimes I think that maybe the part of me that misses this is the part of me that is second guessing my initial feelings (or lack there of) for the guy that is starting to make it clear that he actually has feelings for me. That was a mouth full... and I am not really in the mood to reword it... so let me just say this: I feel very adamant about not using names in my blogs, but it is really hard to keep things clear about who I am referring to without using a name. I guess I'll just have to start assigning nicknames.

I have been so crazy busy lately that I have been fighting off exhaustion simply because I don't have time for it.  I've been getting these headaches lately and trying with all my might to just do whatever I can to deal with them and push on, but I'm starting to realize that there are too many things going on around me that are adding to the headache situation that I shouldn't really have to put up with... My sister, her boyfriend, and my niece recently moved in to save money. They both smoke and know they shouldn't be doing it in the house, but they stand by a window and blow it out (still manages to get that nasty smell in my room). And my niece, I love her to pieces, but she wakes up crying multiple times a night, which startles me awake making it hard to go back to sleep and when I finally do, she wakes up again. So I've resulted to taking sleeping pills at night and 5-hour energy in the morning. I spend most of my day on campus between classes, labs, and just simply a place to be able to focus... I come home, eat, study some more, and go to bed unless I work that night.

There's a hole now where my heart used to be....

Love is a funny thing. It can give you strength in the tough times and it can wake you in the dead of night, heart pounding with a sinking vulnerability you can't shake. Science says that love is no more than a chemical reaction within our bodies. I have no doubt this is true, but those chemical reactions only last a short time. The chemicals may mimic or even accelerate the feeling, but there is no denying the emotions that remain long after the chemicals fade. I believe this with all my heart and yet I find myself surprised to be feeling the way I am feeling after the one in my heart has made it clear he doesn't want to be friends.

I've worked hard to catch my heart up to speed with my brain. I've forced myself to see him moving on and to try and move on myself. I've practiced tough love with myself, even put myself in situations causing my heart to feel the pain rather than avoiding them. And yet here I am realizing that I am still completely in love with him. I cannot help the sadness I feel when I hear about how much he is going through right now... so much more than I even realized.

I thought the super full moon wasn't until tonight...

Hung out with the ex's girlfriend last night for what was supposed to be a girl's night... except that the ex invited himself. Things appeared to be going well and then it became very apparent that he came because he didn't want us hanging out alone together. It caused a huge argument between them and now he has unfriended me on the good old facebook. I received a few messages this morning from another friend filling me in on the drama that unfolded after they left and it just makes me wonder why she is so set on being my friend and why he is so against it.

In another turn of events, a guy that I wasn't so sure how I felt about has made a reappearance and I can't figure out if it was the escape from the drama that he provided or something more that is making me question my feelings. In any case, I think it might be good for me to just enjoy being single and having dating options for awhile before I allow myself to get too close to another guy.

Looking forward to a (hopefully) drama free night at work. Tonight is the firemen's bowling tournament which means that the ex and his girl should be far from my bar. Considering that tonight is a "super full moon" I want the werewolves and Mr. Hydes as far from me as possible.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

When I was a little kid, my dad was my world. I looked up to him and wanted to be the best daughter a dad could ask for, so I paid close attention to everything he said and became who I thought he wanted me to be. In his eyes, I was the perfect daughter. As I got older, I started to realize that always being the person other people wanted me to be no longer made me happy. In fact, I was quite unhappy. So instead of worrying about disappointing certain people around me, I spent most of my time alone or with friends that liked me for me.

My dad always worked long hours and got home late at night, so I really only ever saw him on Sundays. When I moved out I would make excuses to go see my dad at work, I always felt like I had to have a reason to see him. The few times a year that I would see him outside of work were holiday related and I always felt out of place feeling like I was not really part of his family. I started to notice that there were no longer pictures of me on the walls and the new pictures were of a family where I no longer belonged. It also became apparent that my dad seemed happier and it made me wonder if maybe this family in the pictures was better off without me. In the back of my mind I have always known that he loves me and would probably be very hurt if he ever found out that I feel this way, but the thoughts are still there. When I told my dad that I was moving 2000 miles away for love, he told me that he believed it was the best thing for me to go find my own happiness and to get away from there (meaning my stepmom).

That was 5 years ago. It has been over a year since he has tried to reach me. Birthdays have always been hard because he doesn't call or contact me. Which, in my heart, hurts because a birthday is a celebration of the fact that I was born and it makes me feel like maybe his life would've been easier if I hadn't been. I know in my heart of hearts that he does not believe this, but that doesn't make it not true.

My dad is an amazing man. Ask anyone and they will tell you how kind and giving and wonderful he is. So at the end of the day, my biggest insecurity is that I know he's an amazing man, so if I am the daughter that he doesn't talk about or to... what does that make me?

Tears don't mean you're losing...

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are

Let my heart be my guide?

The heart doesn't choose who it loves, who it cares for, what makes it hurt, or what makes it pound... We cannot control the amount of love we have, only the amount of love we give.


I just finished reading a message from a woman I'm not incredibly fond of, to her brother who was just diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma Cancer.

 "I know were not close, but i remember the day you stoped calling me "sissy". I remember things that you never will. Theres one thing that i do know that out of all the people i know you will be able to overcome this. Your a very strong young man. I wish i could do something i really do. I wish that this never happened to you. I wish it happened to me. I know your gonna be ok. I just want to tell you that i do love you. Your my little brother dont forget that. Just think positive. Everyone is on your side and everyone is praying for you. i love you."

And even though she may not be one of my favorite people, I couldn't help but want to give her a hug. In fact, from the moment I met her, I felt like I wanted to befriend her and I felt protective of her in spite of all the red flags that were warning me against it. I don't know him. I may not like her all that much, but I certainly do not hate her... I cannot help but feel empathy pains for her.

I think that in a way, seeing her is like seeing my sister when she was still struggling through all that life had thrown at her as a kid. I do not know her well enough to know what kind of life she has lived, but what I do know is that my heart keeps leading me towards her and I'm still trying to decide how to proceed.

The opposite of love at first sight

Friday was the day I had to break the news to Georgia that there was just no connection and I didn't want to lead him on... Well, he took it a little better than I thought, although I'm sure it was a front because the last thing he said to me was, "I'll text you in a few minutes" and I have yet to hear from him. He flies back to Georgia today.

This whole thing makes me wonder how many times I, like him, see a relationship through rose colored glasses and somehow miss the fact that the other person is really not feeling any chemistry? Even in hind sight, I am having a hard time seeing it. In any case, as much as I feel like the biggest jerk, I know that I did the right thing. I couldn't stand to lead him on or let him spoil me any more in hopes of a relationship growing, when I had already given up and checked out. The hard thing now is this small town. I know he is going back to Georgia, but his family lives here and we share friends that were really hoping things would work out because he really is a great guy and I know he deserves a great woman, I am just not the woman for him.

I am also left wondering if I really do know what I am looking for overall because I was pretty shocked myself that this whole thing didn't quite work out or really that it ended so matter of factly. Part of me thinks that maybe, just maybe, I should've tried a little harder to make it work... but a stronger part of me knows that we'd both just end up settling and being unhappy in the end. I don't know if he realized it and just ignored it, but it was quite obvious to me that I am not the woman he wants to be with. I think he just wanted it to work so badly that he wasn't willing to see it. It was like the opposite of love at first sight... Instead of getting that feeling of knowing we weren't meant to be together, I got the feeling that we were not meant to be at all; that the course of our being in each other's lives had served it's course.

Maybe the butterflies got tired of waiting...

So last night was the date that I had been waiting what seemed like forever for... and well, not even 5 minutes into it I realized that there was no chemistry... none. He was a perfect gentleman, sweet as can be. He was funny and did everything right, just not a good match for me, I guess. And this morning we are supposed to go out again and spend the day together, which means I have the tough job of telling him how I feel. This really sucks because I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to lead him on, but it just seems like I have to choose one and since leading him on would only end up hurting him more in the end, I have to tell him now.

If you are reading this and have been on the receiving end of the bad news, please know that it's not an excuse or a cop-out-nice-way-of-saying "I can do better". It's really just that I don't see potential beyond friendship, something is missing. I plan on writing later as a follow up.

Look Heart, No Hands

Having patience is not the same as being patient. I am absolutely horrible at waiting for anything. Especially when I am excited. I like having a plan and knowing what to expect, but I also feel that when you commit to doing something at a certain time, you should be there on time. Today is the day of my big date. I have been anxiously waiting for this day for awhile now and now that it is here, I am on edge and feeling pretty vulnerable because as much as I don't want to get my hopes up, it's been kind of hard not to... plus, this whole butterflies in the stomach thing is not making my wait any easier. I have no idea what to expect as far as where we are going, what we are doing, or really even when... I don't like being so in the dark. It makes me feel vulnerable. Like, since there is no official plan, there is a higher likelihood of something getting in the way of it actually happening.

I also worry that somehow it won't feel right or the same when we are actually hanging out together on this date. We've had great conversations face to face before and everything has gone great so far, but I guess it's just the part of me that is protecting my heart... my brain forewarning my heart that there is a high risk involved and there is a good chance of it not working out.

Once there was this spider in my bed...

Once there was this
Spider in my bed
I got caught up in his web
Of love and lies
He put his chains around my heart and soul
Never to let go
Oh but I survived

It's a great place to be when you realize that all the hurt someone puts you through is every reason to walk away. This feeling is made so much more wonderful by having someone who truly cares and shows potential walking towards you making you forget you ever had a hard time not looking back. I know it's still early, but this guy has shown so much more compassion and heart than any guy I've ever met. I've never really wanted the princess treatment, and I guess this isn't really that... all I have to do is be me and he is making all the effort. And it's weird, but this week has been emotional for me, but somehow, even a few states over and without me having to say a word, he seems to be making more of an effort to comfort me and make me smile. It feels like I am standing here watching him take down every obstacle between us as soon as I recognize it as such. He is living and working in Georgia (he's from here and we met here) and he is working hard to pay off a piece of land out here and build a house as quick as possible (which could be a good amount of time) but just when I start to wonder if I'm okay with doing the whole long distance only over the phone/online thing he surprises me with a planned date... he's flying out here during my break week from school to take me on a date! How romantic and wonderful is that?! I'm a lucky woman.

As you I've felt the same

Sometimes I hear a song and it brings up feelings that, in that moment, I want to feel... so I put the song on repeat to prolong the moment and prevent the next song from lifting my mood out of that moment. Most of the time these feelings are reflective sadness, that I pushed down at some point and for whatever reason, in that moment I actually want to feel them and work through them.

This was the song today



Days like today feel like floating reminders that one day I will probably look back and think that none of the things at the top of my priority list really mattered in the end and that I could die before any of this hard work pays off. Not the most upbeat thought process, but what I'm feeling none the less.

I have studying in chemistry, biology, and genetics to do along with reading and my room is a disaster area... but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and watch a marathon of Grey's Anatomy. I've managed to make friends with my ex's new girlfriend, who at the moment doesn't know I am his ex... this could be a problem next Saturday when she and I spend a good chunk of the day together with people who will undoubtedly drunkenly mention it. So this has been on my mind all day. I believe if I were in her shoes, I'd want to know and I'd want to have been informed of this by him rather than going through that awkward moment of realization surrounded by people I just met. Oh, and did I mention that our plans involve an adult toy party? Yeah... even I am wondering if I am purposely trying to twist that knife in my heart a little more until the pain becomes numbness.

The process of moving on

Lately I've been getting a lot of messages from guys who are interested in me in one way or another. Some are blunt about wanting only a fun/playful friendship, while others seem a bit more interested in more. There is one guy that I am interested in and would like to get to know better, but it's such a complicated situation. While I do realize that the way things are is probably for the best considering I have so much already going on in my life, I can't help but feel sad that there is no dating going on. No chance of a valentine's surprise. No looking forward to the weekend because I get to see anyone in particular. No hanging out and being goofy/giddy while getting to know each other.

It's been a week since I met the ex's new girl and as of today they are officially together... I'm happy for him, really I am. Happy to see him happy and with a girl who treats him good and doesn't take him for granted. I just can't help but feel a little sad that once again, I'm watching the man I'm in love with move on.

So for now, I'm laying here in my nice comfy bed, with my new sheets and pillows... alone and really feeling alone. I have these big dreams for myself and goals and passions that I want to pursue, it's just hard when I also want so badly to find that person who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

This painting hangs in my room. It's one of the few things that I kept when I moved away from Colorado because it's like looking at a painting of myself from the point of view of someone who really sees me for me. She looks like a dancer, burlesque style, and she is offstage in deep thought. This is the side of her that she normally keeps inside, the weight of the world on her shoulders, but when the lights go on, she is smiling and full of confidence... a performer, not to fool people, just to survive and maintain sanity.

Shimmer

In this moment right here, right now, I'm content. But somehow, I know that there is a wall in my heart acting as a shield, protecting me from feeling the pain. I'm strong now... now while my focus is on the butterflies and trying not to read too much into the sad look he gave me between the smiles. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. So for now, I am telling myself to ignore that look and be true to me... he wanted this, and I deserve so much more than being the one waiting around for him.




We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

I'll take the butterflies, but only a moment at a time

Have you ever met someone and just something about them made you think, "I want to be with someone like that"? Well, I just found out that that guy has been thinking the same thing about me. It's a little bit of a hard situation because when we met, he lived here in town and now he is working in another state due to lack of jobs here. He grew up here, has family here, and owns land here... but his plan is to work until he can pay off his land and build a house on it. So, going into this, I see the potential but I also see the obstacles in the way. At this point, I know that he's interested and I know that I am, but in this time before we actually start talking to get to know each other, I'm nervous and a little scared that this could change things a lot. I'm not sure how ready I am to let go of hoping a certain ex will have a change of heart or how ready I am to let someone new in, knowing that it could likely have an ending.

Right now, I'll just keep reminding myself to focus on the joy of the giddy, butterflies feeling, but just take it a moment at a time.

Life's lessons for my children

I have this ongoing list in my head of all the things I want to teach my children one day (the children that I hope to one day have, that is). This is a list based on things that I am thankful to have been taught, things that I didn't learn until much later in life, things I think of when I have to remind myself that I am not the parent, and just various life lessons that I think are important.

The following is my list, in no particular order... I may even come back and add a few in the future:

To truly understand what unconditional love is

 To share, be kind and thoughtful, but to know the difference between giving and giving too much of yourself

Be confident in who you are, let yourself be heard

3. To understand that not everyone is going to love you or even like you no matter how wonderful you are

Pain, like everything else, is relative. 

All food is to be tried at least once, as is (as it is prepared) without doctoring (salt, ketchup, hot sauce) because you never know if you don't try it.

6. Boys: If you take a girl on a date and unlock her car door (passenger) first, she better reach over and unlock your door (or at least hit the unlock button)
7. Girls: If a guy takes you on a date, you better reach over and unlock his door if you want a second date. But if he uses a child lock on the door in order to keep you from opening your own door, you better not go on another date with him.
8. Hard work is not just for boys and cleaning is not just for girls.
9. To be able to change a flat tire, check your fluids, and do minor maintenance on your vehicle.
10. To know that Santa Claus is based on a real historical person
11. You will make mistakes in life, WHEN you do, pick yourself up, admit to it, learn from it, and use what you learned to move forward.
12. Your happiness is your own. You have total control of it, NO ONE can take it from you unless you allow them to...
13. I will encourage them to make a list of all the simple things in life that can bring a smile to their face almost instantly so that they can review it when they need a smile.

Things they don't teach you in Health class

You know how when you meet someone that you are physically/sexually attracted to and there is that chemistry that creates the lustful feeling that clouds your mind and gets your blood pumping to pretty much everywhere but your brain? Well, then you begin intimate interactions that make the cloudiness turn into a more primal lust until you experience orgasm which is pure bliss that clears your mind... That clarity is usually pretty black or white for me. It's like a sudden wake-up call to my brain to quickly analyze the situation, how I got there, and whether or not I'm happy with my actions. If I'm with someone I really like and trust, I feel energetic and giddy. But if my actions were a result of the cloudiness more so than my actually wanting to sleep with that person, then it's a sudden wave of guilt and "what the hell, Lisa?" is sounding through my skull. 

That feeling alone is enough to keep me from making those bad decisions for the most part, but there are times that I feel pretty clear-minded when I choose to have sex (usually just for the physical pleasure) thinking that I can keep myself emotionally uninvolved.... that should've been my first clue: I thought I could have sex without emotional involvement. So, I guess I'm wondering if guys get this feeling, too? 

Just an update

End of week 1 of the life of a science major student.... 3 lab sciences and a Pilates class means my life is going to be pretty hectic for the next 16 weeks. Thankfully, Pilates is saving my ass (literally) from becoming insane and droopy. I am loving it so far... busy all the time, which sadly means that if I start to fall behind, I will be super stressed, but it also means that when I run into the ex at the grocery store and he walks in with his date for the night, I can get over it quickly knowing that I have so much more going for me and if he cannot see that, well, there are so many more important things that take priority in my mind right now... like the 120 animals that I have to learn the scientific name, common name, phylum, subphylum, superclass, class and characteristics of all by Tuesday.

Work in 20 minutes, so I need to cut this post short due to the snow that covers my car.

Questions from one guarded heart to another

In the world we live in today, is there really such a thing as monogamy? Technology has opened so many doors and provided us with all these windows for temptation that it is hard to believe that there really is such a thing as true love that will withstand the pressure. Everywhere around me, I see people unhappy in their current relationship and feeling stuck (whether by marriage, not wanting to hurt someone, kids, or paid for plans) and it makes me wonder if there are truly happy couples that are still in love years later... and if there are, where are they? Every time I feel like I've finally met that couple that gives me hope, something rustles the curtain and the charade is revealed. I try and tell myself that all these couples are unhappy because the majority of people fall prey to society's push to get married. With marriage on such a high pedestal, viewed as the next step in the relationship or the right thing to do when a child is conceived, most couples get married for the wrong reasons and usually to the wrong people. So, does this mean that since I have somewhat guarded my heart and held out for "true love", that I will be more likely to actually have found it when and if I do marry? Or am I just postponing the inevitable?

Fuckin' Perfect

Had to share this video. Yes, it made me cry.

The heart wants what the heart wants...

Started talking to the ex again last week. It's amazing how three people can experience the exact same moment together and walk away with 3 totally different takes on what happened. And all this time it was pride that was to blame. My pride that was hurt, his pride that he was "defending", our pride that kept us mad and from talking... I let myself spend the night with him this weekend for my own selfishness and I'm sure that was his reasoning, too. There is just this chemistry between us that makes it so hard to be around each other and not be close. We stayed up talking about everything from politics to my questioning marriage and commitment. When we are spending time together, it's always so easy... so comfortable (aside from the sexual tension) and we both open up in ways that each of us struggle with in any other interaction. I don't know what is next or really even how I will feel if he starts dating someone new, all I know is that I am happy to have my friend back.

Hold that Grenade Against Me... Megan Tonjes

If in some way you haven't heard of Megan Tonjes and her amazing remix of the new Brittney Spears "Hold it Against Me" and "Grenade" by Bruno Mars, here it is. I must say, I've heard both of these songs and didn't really think all that much of them, but Megan Tonjes manages to meld these two mediocre songs into a masterpiece.

Someone like you...

Still finding myself haunted by memories of him. My heart still jumps at the mention of his name and sinks every time it's reminded of where we are now. If I stay here, and I don't plan on moving, I'm either going to have to move on or learn to perfect my best poker face and settle for being his friend. Even after the pain, my heart still wants what it wants and no one else compares. I try and push the thoughts of hope out of my mind because one day we will get past the pain and I don't want to set my heart up for a round trip.

This whole waking up at 2am to the sinking heart feeling is not going to go over so well once classes start back up. Don't know what it is that makes my dreams focus on him pretty much every night at that time, but it's a physical sinking feeling that pulls me out of a deep sleep and keeps me up for hours.

I'm not settling

"There comes a day when we suddenly realize that the control we seek will forever remain just outside our grasp. For some, it's a terrifying discovery … while, for others, it's strangely liberating. If the only person I can control is me, that means I'm off the hook for the other six billion souls making their way in this crazy world." Erica Strange

I've been tied up in this whole pride issue wondering if I can really ever find someone worth trusting with my heart and I think I got a little too caught up on the fear of it all. My focus shouldn't be on all of those around me that are miserable because they are "stuck" in a relationship or marriage that they committed to for the wrong reasons. I should be grateful for the life lessons that I listened to that brought me to where I am today instead of committing to the wrong person years ago after settling... single does not mean lonely, it does not automatically make me unhappy... I am still searching for the one that I actually WANT to spend my life with. No starter marriage for me, I want the real thing; and yes, that means I still believe in the real thing.

I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can feel "stuck" in a relationship, I don't want to be with someone who would settle or let life make them settle.

Discovery of an amazing photographer

I stumbled upon this story and found it pretty amazing. Vivian Maier was a Chicago-area nanny from the 1950s to the 1990s; she died in 2009. Shortly following her death, tens of thousands of negatives were discovered among her possessions. The families who employed her seemingly never knew much about her, but it appears that Ms. Maier spent nearly all of her time off exploring Chicago with a camera. And now, after her death, people are calling her "one of the greatest street photographers of the 20th century."

Hope you enjoy as much as I did.

Love. A Catalyst?

Do you believe it's possible to fall in love and stay in love? I mean real, true I-love-you-not-just-because-I-promised-to... kind of love. As in, long after the honeymoon stage is over, past life dealing you hands from cards so warn they're falling apart, and to the place where you've pretty much seen the best and worst in each other, and still feel like the luckiest man/woman in the world to be sharing your life with your best friend. Does that exist?



Out of the many examples in the media of what love is, the one that really stands out in my mind is a scene from Sex and The City, where Miranda is newly married and her unbearable mother-in-law has just moved in due to some serious health issues; the mother-in-law shits herself and Miranda bathes her. I can understand the amount of love it would take to bathe a spouse in this situation, even a close loved one, but can you imagine the amount of love it would take to sponge bathe the shit off of someone you really can't stand simply because the person you love can't be there to do it? I want to love like that. I want to be loved like that.

One of my favorite movies is kind of a twisted portrayal of this query. "Love me if you dare" is a French film (yes, that means subtitles) about two kids who are best friends and fall in love and test the boundaries of this love. Their love is tested through a lifelong game of truth or dare. I highly recommend it.